One Last Time
by anastasiabeaverhousen14
Summary: Maura reflects on her life the last few years. The ups the downs, the happiness…and the sadness. She makes a decision. One last time.


_A/N Found a prompt for this on tumblr awhile back, and its been written for a few months, but I didn't quite have it fine tuned yet. The prompt was the first three lines. Reviews are welcome._

* * *

She gripped the rim of the porcelain sink and tried to steady her shaking hands. One set of determined hazel eyes met another in the reflection of the somewhat steamed mirror.

"One last time." She whispered to herself

One. Last. Time.

With determination pounding through her veins, the honey-blonde threw on her robe and made it into the bedroom and picked up her phone. Luckily the room was vacant; she needed complete secrecy for this mission. Dialing a long ago memorized number, she waited until she heard a familiar voice.

"Hi, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Shelby this afternoon, does she have any openings?" there was a slight pause and then a smile slowly grew across plump lips, "Perfect, I'll be there in an hour."

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this alone?"

Maura sat on the examination table, dressed in a paper gown, looking down at her hands. They were shaking. They had not stopped shaking since her realization in the shower. She thought one last time, thinking over the pros and cons of her decision, and possibly the consequences of her decision. Jane would be mad that she didn't tell her. But, if everything worked out, Jane wouldn't really mind, right? Her hands suddenly stopped shaking, causing her to smile. This was the right choice.

"Mrs. Rizzoli-Isles?" the doctor's voice brought her back to reality. Maura looked up at her fertility doctor, Dr. Shelby Anderson

"Yes. Let's do it."

* * *

Jane and Maura were wed on a spring morning in May. It was a small ceremony, done at Maura's families' estate a few hours away. It was quaint and quiet; only family and close friends were invited. So that meant Maura's parents, Hope and Cailin, the Rizzoli's and their BPD friends: Vince and Kiki, Nina and Kent. Afterwards, they had a nice lunch and by early afternoon, the two were on a plane to Europe for a three-week honeymoon.

Coming back to work was easy. It wasn't any different than before; only now, they wore rings. They worked, lived, played, loved, _lived_ together. They fought. Jane was Italian, so there's no way there'd be _no_ fighting. They laughed. They cried when cases got tough. And celebrated when cases were closed. But in everything, they were together.

After a year of bliss, Maura started to get the itch. Well, more of a yearning. The one most women get at Maura's age if they are still childless. Here they were, just over the age of forty. It was statistically not good for women of that age to get pregnant. But Maura wanted one none the less. Maura started to do research, as usual, and the more research she did, the more worried she became. She didn't want to tell Jane yet. She was afraid, that because of the miscarriage, Jane would be opposed to having kids. She wanted to know everything there was before she talked to her wife.

But Jane noticed. Jane noticed the way Maura skirted certain questions about what she'd been doing in her office so late. She noticed Maura's shifting eyes at night when they got in bed together; as though Maura wanted to talk about something. But whenever the brunette asked, the doctor just shrugged said there was nothing. Jane knew Maura was up to something, and whatever it was, she needed time to process it. She'd tell Jane, eventually. Finally, Jane couldn't take it. When Maura went off to yoga one Saturday morning, Jane spied onto Maura's computer. Her history had been wiped, but long ago, Frost had taught her how to recover it; something about cookies and backups and whatever.

There it was, plain as day. Fertility clinics. Fertility doctors. Best fertility doctors, Massachusetts. How old is too old to start having kids?

Maura wanted to have kids. Why didn't she ask Jane about it? Why was she being so secretive? So Jane spent the next few hours going through Maura's search history, and did her own research. That night, after running around the greater Boston area, gathering information, Jane sat down to dinner with her wife. She confronted the blonde, head on. No games, no secrets. Maura was instantly apologetic spent a good half hour rambling on about _why_ she didn't tell Jane and _why_ she needed to keep it a secret. And by the end of the night, a few gallons of tears both from sadness and laughter later, Jane and Maura Rizzoli-Isles had decided to expand their family.

Monday morning was filled with phone calls and emails. By the end of the week, they were in a clinic for testing. And by the end of the month, they were looking at donors. Once they decided to have Maura carry their child, the blonde started her fertility treatments. It was straining on her body. The hormones being injected, the constant blood tests. It was at least six months before they were able to start the actual insemination.

They'd both remember that day forever. Neither could sleep the night before. It was exciting and thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. They'd been planning for this for months, and it was finally here. They drove to the doctor's in silence, holding shaking hands across the center console. When they walked in the doors, they were ushered into a back room where Maura stripped down to a paper gown and waited on a table with her loving wife at her side, holding her hand tightly.

The actual insemination was only a few minutes and they were home two hours later. It was now a waiting game. They waited a full two weeks before getting a blood test done. With excitement and joy, they waited in the examination room for the results. But when the doctor came in, they instantly knew the news by the look on her face.

"It's negative." Came the somber words

Negative. It broke Maura's heart. She had _so_ wanted it to work. She was ready to be a mother. Jane, ever the loving wife, just held her close and whispered in her ear. "Don't worry my love, we'll try again. And again and again. I love you so much."

It helped. Jane's never ending love always helped. So they kept on with Maura's treatments and within another six months, they were ready to go again. And this time, it worked. The little fellas latched on and Maura was pregnant. They held off on telling anyone. They wanted time to themselves. They celebrated…most…amorously, that night. They started looking up baby names and Maura looked into preschools. Everything was perfect. Their family was growing.

But like most good, pure, blessed things, they're taken away. On the eve of week eleven, Maura woke in a cold sweat, her belly in pain. Throwing off the covers to go vomit, she spotted it. Blood. Everywhere. She awoke her wife with a terrified and loud "Jane!" and within an hour, an ER doctor gave them the news. A miscarriage.

He was slightly insensitive; stating that it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, with her age and all, miscarriages were at a higher percentage. Maura was admitted into the hospital for observation for a few days, and Jane never left her side. Once they got to their private room, Jane crawled onto the thin hospital bed with her wife and they cried together.

Over the next few days, Maura met with a therapist. It was recommended after such a loss. Jane went with her, but always remained silent. Maura watched her wife slowly retreated within herself. She became more quiet and more reserved. She knew the miscarriage would take it out on Jane; how could it not? Jane herself suffered from one years before.

But as the weeks went on, they slowly started to grow past it; thought not completely. You never do. That life stays with you forever, even though it never came to be. But Maura still wanted a baby. That wouldn't ever change. But she concealed that want for a while. Jane needed time; if she ever would want to try again.

It wasn't until one morning, almost a year after that horrid day. Maura awoke to her wife giving her a peck on the lips before her morning jog, like every morning since they'd moved in together a few years previous. Something was different that day; something familiar yet at the same time, new. Something she hadn't felt in a long time. It wasn't till she had turned off the shower and opened the glass door. She caught her reflection across the room. She'd seen herself naked a million times. But today, she physically saw that feeling she'd awoken with on her face: hope; determination to succeed. She _would_ be a mother, even if she had to move heaven and earth. Her body shook with anticipation. The realization was staggering. So much so, that she fell forward, almost to the floor, until her hands caught the porcelain of the sink.

She gripped the rim of the porcelain sink and tried to steady her shaking hands. One set of determined hazel eyes met another in the reflection of the somewhat steamed mirror.

"One last time." She whispered to herself

One. Last. Time.

She would try this one last time. As if by pure luck, their fertility doctor had an opening. And by even greater luck, she was ovulating. She'd been off the hormones and treatments since the miscarriage, so her chance of getting pregnant was even smaller, but, she went through with it. And she'd not tell Jane. Not till she knew for sure. Yes it was reckless, and her wife would be furious when she eventually found out, but Maura had to know.

Weeks went by. Maura resumed her daily routines as usual. She didn't change anything, except her amount of wine consumption, obviously. Though she was nauseous for a few days a few weeks after the procedure, the doctor just chalked it up to nerves and anxiety. Though, it was one afternoon when she decided something was different. She sat in her office, dutifully working on paperwork when Kent walked in from the autopsy suite, fresh from an autopsy. The distinct smells of chemicals and the dead caused her to immediately jump up and hurl in the nearest trashcan. Even Kent noticed; something was off.

* * *

Jane walked into the Beacon Hill home with a tired slump across her shoulders. She needed some serious TLC and undivided attention from her wife. It had been a long week. All she wanted to do was sit on the couch with her love, eat some super unhealthy food, and pass out for the weekend. She hadn't thought about the miscarriage in weeks. They'd gotten past it, she thought, as much as one could. She thought that they had mutually, thought non-verbally, decided to just remain as a twosome. If the doctor wanted to adopt, she'd be up for it. But she was pretty content with spoiling TJ, and on occasion, Tasha.

The living room was dark and the lights in the kitchen were dimmed. On the counter lay two wine glasses, and a candle lit and flickering in between. She smirked. Usually when something like this happened, her night was about to get super awesome.

"Maur?" she called, stepping into the kitchen, dropping her briefcase onto the couch

"I'll be out in a minute." Came the singsong voice of her wife

Jane pulled out a chair and sat at the island. This would be good. Maura had been really distant lately. She'd been super tired and a little cranky. But Jane would never say that to her face. To make it worse, the blonde rarely had cuddled close that last few weeks, and Jane was getting worried that the past year had pulled them apart.

But this – the wine glasses, dimmed lights and a candle – were all a good sign that things were looking up.

She heard footsteps and turned towards the hall.

 _Or not_. Jane thought

Maura walked towards her with a sleepy smile, dressed in a decidedly unsexy, oversized sweater and Jane's old BPD academy shorts. Her hair was up in a messy bun and her make-up had been washed away.

"What's with the wine?" Jane asked

"A celebration of sorts." Maura smirked, placing a gentle kiss to her wife's lips. When she pulled away, Jane saw something in her wife's eyes that she hadn't seen in a while. Maura grabbed the brunette's collar and pulled her back in for a sound kiss. There was tongue, there was exploring. There was plundering. And it all left them both breathless.

"What was that for?"

Maura just smirked and poured one glass of wine, leaving the second empty. She held the full one out to her wife.

"Where's yours?"

Maura just shrugged, "In a minute. Take a drink. You're tired. Relax."

"What's the celebration for?" the brunette sipped at the wine and looked down at it with slight surprise, "this is good."

"I make good choices, don't I?" Maura asked, her voice shaking a bit. That caused Jane to look back at her.

"That's a loaded question." She chuckled. But seeing the seriousness in her lover's eyes, she stopped, putting the glass down on the counter.

The doctor held back tears, looking towards the ceiling, willing them to not fall.

"Maur, honey. What's wrong?"

"I did something. I'm not overly proud of lying to you. And it's been tearing me apart for weeks not being able to tell you."

"Sweetie." Jane consoled, pulling the other woman towards her, "Just tell me. It can't be all that bad."

Maura took a deep breath and looked back into concerned, chocolate eyes. Perfectly manicured fingers sought out dark, curly, somewhat greying locks, and held Jane's face close.

"I made an appointment with Dr. Shelby."

Jane didn't respond yet, she just waited.

"I had to know." Scared, tired eyes slowly slipped closed, afraid to see the disappointment and hurt in her wife's eyes. "I had her inseminate me one last time, just to make sure."

Still silence.

"I'm so sorry." The tears finally fell, "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." Emotions raged through her body. Her forehead dropped against Jane's.

Silence rang through the kitchen. This was it. This is what would tear them apart for good.

But before the depression and anguish could really set in, Maura felt an odd sensation. Her sweater was slowly being lifted. A rough, calloused, scarred hand rested upon the bulge of Maura's pregnant belly.

"Is this why you don't sleep against me anymore?" Jane asked, her voice down to a deep smoky husk, "why you've been distant?"

Maura nodded and reached into the pocket of the shorts, producing a square photograph, "I had to be sure." She repeated

Jane took the sonogram and Maura opened her eyes just in time to see her wife's tears of joy.

"You're pregnant?" Jane asked with a breathy, almost chuckle

"Yes." Maura sighed in relief

"Like, _really_ pregnant?"

"Yes." Maura felt like screaming at the top of her lungs with happiness

"Like, there's a small, growing human inside of you?"

Maura's smile grew, and she nodded, "Yes."

"How long?"

Maura just smiled, "Sixteen weeks, well into the second trimester, past the danger zone."

Jane lunged off the chair and picked up her wife with a squeal, spinning her around with glee. The two spun around the kitchen, laughing and crying and laughing some more. Jane finally dropped her wife on her feet and pulled her in for a deep kiss. A kiss with enough power to push Maura against the back of the couch. The taller woman pulled away and kneeled on the floor and pushed up the blonde's sweater, revealing the slight bump again. Maura held up the hem so Jane could place both hands on her belly. Instead of the blonde's usually toned abs, her belly was a little squishy feeling at the moment.

"I was afraid that if I slept too close, you'd wrap your arm around me and feel it."

Jane looked up to see Maura biting her lip, a tint of fear in her eyes. Long arms wrapped around slim hips, an olive toned cheek resting against the pale skin of Maura's stomach; Jane hugged her wife close. Maura held her love's head close and the two embraced in silence for a long moment, taking in everything.

"I've missed you." Jane mumbled. Pressing a kiss just above Maura's belly button, she whispered, "I love you." Chocolate brown eyes rose to meet teary hazel again, "and I love _you_ too."

The blonde leaned down and kissed her wife once more.

"Can I see the sonogram again?" came a husky whisper against Maura's smiling lips.


End file.
